Sarah Bartholomew-Fisher, LCSW
(she/her)
Cycle of Violence
Honeymoon Phase
Violence Phase
Eggshells Phase
Everything's great, lots of praise, use of love languages, everyone feels special. Apologies and Promises
There is a sense that something is wrong. Tempers are shorter than usual
Verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, economic abuse
At the beginning everything is great. No one would enter into a relationship with someone who was abusive on date one. Abusers are very sweet at the beginning and are able to get others to crave their love and attention. Partners may not notice that during this phase, they are spending more and more time with the abuser, and are slowly being isolated from friends and family members
As time goes on the honeymoon phase does not last as long but it keeps coming back. Promises of getting help and never doing it again. The "eggshells" phase is more prominent and people can start to feel when an abusive incident is going to occur. Over time the violence escalates as well. Often the move into physical violence happens after a major life event. Being intimate for the first time, moving in together, becoming pregnant or having a child.
Overtime it feels like you are living in the eggshell phase. Just waiting for the thing that will set off a violence episode. The eggshell phase is scary and elevated levels of stress hormones are being released. Some people stuck in this phase will even do something to provoke an anger response to end the eggshell phase, move through the violence phase and get back to the honeymoon phase.
The honeymoon phase starts to go away. Apologizes turn into statements of blame. The eggshell phase gets shorter as well and the periods of violence become longer and more aggressive.
The most dangerous time in any abusive relationship is when a partner decides to leave. The person being abused should be the one to decide when is best to leave. They have built tools and awareness and should be trusted to know when it is safe, and when it is not
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